God Speaking I love you

Most people have been on an emotional roller coaster at one point in their life, this is my turn.

Last Saturday my brother got married. So exciting! We all sobbed our eyes out at the rehearsal dinner listening to the toasts from friends and family. The night ended with a toast from Walker to his bride. There wasn't a dry eye in the room, but they were happy tears. Saturday was the wedding and it was perfect (minus the weather, it was perfect). Watching tears roll down my brothers face as he watched his bride walk down the aisle was the highlight of it all. It was the perfect picture of purity and patience and the faithfulness of God. He is no longer Walker, they are now "the Fains."

My grandad, "Pappy", has been sick for a while. He's just getting older and the years have worn out his body. Death is a reality for all of us, but this death was different then most. I don't think I've ever been close to someone who died with out the reassurance that I would see them again, in eternity. My grandfather as faithful and loyal as he was, was also a very stubborn man. My whole life I've known he didn't know Christ, and didn't care to for that matter, but that's never stopped our family from loving him and telling him of the love of Christ over and over and over and over again. Sunday night my mom, my youngest brother, Jack, and I went to the hospital to see Pappy. We walked in the room circled around him held his hands and prayed. We prayed for the power of Christ, for the love of Christ to infiltrate him, to surround him. We prayed for salvation. Prior to Sunday night, we had all gone by to see him and had been reading the Gospels to him. You must understand, he's very incoherent. He's highly medicated and can't even hear well, but as my mom continued to emphasize we weren't reading to his ears, we were reading to his spirit. Sunday night, after our prayer time, we started writing things down hoping he could read since he couldn't hear. I held his hand very tight and held up a sign that said "Jesus loves you." I started saying it "Jesus loves you...He loves you...Jesus loves you..He loves you..." I couldn't stop. The words just kept repeating themselves for a while. As I was speaking, I began listening, and as much as Jesus wants Pappy to know of his love for him, Jesus was also speaking to my heart. His unconditional love has always been a battle for me to understand and believe, but in this moment, as Jesus was speaking to Pappy, He was speaking to me..."I love you." I want to tell you that he had this major revalation as he was lying in the hospital bed. That he opened his mouth and said, "I believe." That we all rejoiced in his salvation. I can't.

Pappy passed away last night around 11pm. We don't know where he's spending eternity. It's so hard to have peace in a time like this. I want to have peace and assurance that we did all we could. We knew it couldn't be us to make him believe. It had to be a work of Christ in his life. I don't know if Christ chose to work in his life or not. I'm trying to learn from all this and it may take years to understand. But for now I'm trusting in His love.

here comes the bride...

So...this saturday my brother will marry his high school sweetheart, Emily. We are all VERY excited about this and have been for a while, seeing that their engagement has lasted over a year. I have the blessing of being the maid of honor, and one of my duties will be to give a toast at the rehearsal dinner. If you know me at all, you'll know that I tend to enjoy speaking in public, and am usually not at a lack of something to say, but this one has me stumped. I want to be funny, personal, sincere and really express my love for both of them and my excitement for their marriage. I have no doubt that my body language will show all of those things, but I want my words to back it up. So in hopes that this will help me develop my speech I've decided to make a list of my favorite memories of my brother...

1. When I was in the 8th grade I was in the backyard trying to help Walker find a limb for a project he was working on for school. We were searching and searching and we finally found the perfect one. As we were walking back to the house I felt something crush underneath my foot, I looked down and my foot was covered with blood. I had stepped on a piece of metal. Walker looked down at it then up at me and immediately took off running as fast as he could, and he was very fast, to the house screaming the whole way for my parents. I know this sounds like a weird favorite memory,it sounds more like a painful one, but it was at this moment that I knew my brother really cared about me. It scared him that I could be hurt and he was going to do whatever it took to make sure I was ok.

2. I love to dance. LOVE IT! and so does my brother! When I was a senior in high school and Walker was in the 8th grade we got to go to youth camp together. This was so fun and the week in and of itself is a great memory. One night at camp we had a dance party, and yes this was a baptist church, so don't tell anyone we danced. Walker grabbed my hand and we stepped out into the middle of about 200 people at camp and he started swinging me around and we danced! It was so much fun! Everyone just stood around us clapping and cheering us on! This is one of the many reasons I love my brother, because he's so fun and wouldn't think twice about stepping out in front of lots of people to show them!

3. Walker has always been a leader. Ever since he was kindergarten my mom has always said there's just something special about him. People listen to him and he leads in a way that is never prideful and never demanding, but in a way that's as if he's listening to Jesus and then just tells the rest of us, "come on guys, this way! I heard Him say this is the way!" His natural ability as a leader led him to many places in life, such as the quarter back of the football team and his classes president. When he reached the end of his senior year of high school he was nomitated for a really great award in Montgomery called the Jimmy Hitchcock award. It's an award for Christian leadership in athletics and academics. It's a huge honor just to be a nominee from your school. Walker has always gone above and beyond making over a 4.0 in high school and excelling in athletics due to his self discipline and hard work. He was blessed enough to be the winner of the award. In my heart, I knew that he had to be the winner, even before they announced it, but when they called his name my heart swelled with pride (the good kind) and I was so thankful that everyone in Montgomery saw the same thing I had always seen in my brother.

This is getting long...so those are just a few favorites, but I feel like this is helping my speech. So, thank you blog world for helping me get a jump start to a very special toast!

truth.

I've been thinking a lot about the subject lately of truth; wanting to know truth, believe truth, speak truth, breath truth, live truth. I have a confession; I live in a world of self doubt. I doubt myself all the time. I doubt the words I say. I doubt the way people perceive me. I doubt the way the Lord perceives me. I'm realizing that all of this hinges on the belief of truth. Do I really believe what God says about me to be true? And do I really believe God is who He says He is?

When I was in college the Lord so graciously worked in my life and led me to a Bible study led by the wonderful April Darnell (at the time, now Dean). The Bible study was called "Knowing the depths of me." It was a study about truth. It helped lead me to the truth about who I am in Christ. There was another leader of the group and we had similar "journeys". At the end of the Bible study we all met as a big group and some of the leaders had found verses that they thought really applied to us, and they spoke them over us. The other leader spoke these beautiful words from Romans over me.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we
cry, 'Abba Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

I think, and I confess this so often to the Lord, that I put my feelings and my beliefs about my earthly father on Him. This could be a life long battle for me. I have a hard time believing God won't just leave me for no good reason, or demand something of me in order to prove I'm worthy of His love. I trust, on the not so good days, that He stays at a good distance from me and that He has absolutely no desire to bless me whatsoever. (Now I can go into a whole spill about how I'm really not worthy, but thanks to the cross of Jesus Christ I have a new life and am able to receive from Him, which is all fine and well, but we'll save that for another blog.)

I know that if I walked everyday in the sufficiency of Christ and believing Him every second of every day, my outlook on life would change dramatically. I wouldn't be so wrapped up in other's perceptions of me, always wanting to make everyone happy, and in the end loosing myself trying to smooth things over with everyone else. I would walk in truth, speaking truth and believing it! It says in Proverbs that even Kings value a man who speaks the truth! And John speaks of "whoever lives by truth comes into light!" and he also says the ever so popular "the truth will set you free!" Free from the expectations of everyone else, free from the fear that God is like your earthly dad, free some self doubt! What a relief!

On my worst days, I confess that I doubt Him, but I trust in His words, and I rest safely in His arms and His compassion on my unbelief. Oswald Chambers says "how can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us?" In the words of a man who's child was possessed and had an amazing face to face encounter with the Savior, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."

He understands.

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not completely sure of the reason for my absence from the cyber-world, except I've recently been reading a lot of other people's blogs. I'm going to let you in on a secret, but you have to promise not to think I'm some sort of weirdo, ok? You promise? I've been coming across blogs of people that I don't know, but am somehow connected to, either from a friend of a friend, or a relative, or something. I've been so intrigued by their stories, and the theme I've come across all of them has been that of suffering. They are all blogs by people that have endured a loss; either the loss of a child, or a loss of what life used to be, but they are now in the midst of suffering. I've gotten caught up in their stories. There are two main blogs I've been reading and both of them have recently said they're not sure why they write and are so honest except that there's something to be said for getting out all of those raw emotions. They both testify to the faithfulness of God and through their suffering they have understood Him more.

I cannot say that I have ever endured the kind of suffering as these women. Their losses are something I can't even begin to fathom. I am amazed at their testimonies. In the midst of their suffering they've both testified to crying out to God in anger and asking Him, "Why?!?!" And they both testify to the fact that God loves them enough to let them. He doesn't condemn them and say "how dare you ask me that?! who do you think you are!?" Instead He gently speaks to their hearts and says that He understands.

We all have our battles. And in our own hearts none is greater than another's. It's comforting for me to know that in the midst of what seems so tiny in comparison, there is a God who understands.

Thank you to those who continue to share their suffering to the world. It reminds us all of the grace and mercy endured on the cross.