truth.

I've been thinking a lot about the subject lately of truth; wanting to know truth, believe truth, speak truth, breath truth, live truth. I have a confession; I live in a world of self doubt. I doubt myself all the time. I doubt the words I say. I doubt the way people perceive me. I doubt the way the Lord perceives me. I'm realizing that all of this hinges on the belief of truth. Do I really believe what God says about me to be true? And do I really believe God is who He says He is?

When I was in college the Lord so graciously worked in my life and led me to a Bible study led by the wonderful April Darnell (at the time, now Dean). The Bible study was called "Knowing the depths of me." It was a study about truth. It helped lead me to the truth about who I am in Christ. There was another leader of the group and we had similar "journeys". At the end of the Bible study we all met as a big group and some of the leaders had found verses that they thought really applied to us, and they spoke them over us. The other leader spoke these beautiful words from Romans over me.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we
cry, 'Abba Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

I think, and I confess this so often to the Lord, that I put my feelings and my beliefs about my earthly father on Him. This could be a life long battle for me. I have a hard time believing God won't just leave me for no good reason, or demand something of me in order to prove I'm worthy of His love. I trust, on the not so good days, that He stays at a good distance from me and that He has absolutely no desire to bless me whatsoever. (Now I can go into a whole spill about how I'm really not worthy, but thanks to the cross of Jesus Christ I have a new life and am able to receive from Him, which is all fine and well, but we'll save that for another blog.)

I know that if I walked everyday in the sufficiency of Christ and believing Him every second of every day, my outlook on life would change dramatically. I wouldn't be so wrapped up in other's perceptions of me, always wanting to make everyone happy, and in the end loosing myself trying to smooth things over with everyone else. I would walk in truth, speaking truth and believing it! It says in Proverbs that even Kings value a man who speaks the truth! And John speaks of "whoever lives by truth comes into light!" and he also says the ever so popular "the truth will set you free!" Free from the expectations of everyone else, free from the fear that God is like your earthly dad, free some self doubt! What a relief!

On my worst days, I confess that I doubt Him, but I trust in His words, and I rest safely in His arms and His compassion on my unbelief. Oswald Chambers says "how can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us?" In the words of a man who's child was possessed and had an amazing face to face encounter with the Savior, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."